Susan Gold Interview Transforming Childhood Trauma

[00:00:00] Speaker A: That you have worth and you have value and you have purpose. And there's a mission for you here. So just one step at a time and get the help that you need to walk through it's. [00:01:03] Speaker B: Welcome to Supernormalize, the podcast where we challenge the conventional break boundaries and normalize the supernatural. Join me CJ as we explore uncharted realms of existence and unravel the mysteries of our universe. If you have an unusual knowledge or a unique story you'd love to share, reach out to me directly at supernormalized at proton me. Let's make the supernatural the new normal. Today on Supernormalized, we have Susan Gold, a courageous individual who has fearlessly confronted the challenges of her tumultuous upbringing. From battling abuse, addiction, and surviving narcissism, susan has emerged with a unique perspective on life's trials. Through her book Toxic Family transforming Childhood Trauma into Adult Freedom. She defies conventional paradigms, guiding others on their own transformative journeys. Dear listener, before we start the show, I'd just like to ask you if you could possibly get onto your podcast app and maybe write a beautiful, positive comment about the show, if you could, that'll actually help others to find the show through the algorithms. And also if you could share it to your friends and family, I'd really appreciate that. Now on with the show. Welcome to the show, Susan Gold. Susan, could you start by sharing your journey of overcoming a challenging and chaotic family system? How did this upbringing shape your unique perspective on life's challenges? [00:02:22] Speaker A: Wow. Well, I didn't understand quite to the depths until I was in my early adulthood, the challenge and chaos. I knew that something was malaligned. I was a super empath, I would say, very tuned in, very intuitive, very telepathic, and that just didn't fit in that family system. My dad is a genius astrophysicist, but he also had a little issue with alcohol and sexual addiction. Narcissism. My mother self soothed with food, and back then they would treat that addiction with diet pills, which I kind of put the pieces together in my 20s were straight speed. [00:03:10] Speaker B: Yes. [00:03:10] Speaker A: So that does not lead to a very balanced platform for an upbringing. It was a very competitive environment and things would flip flop. I really believe my mother was also struggling with a mental illness because she could be incredibly loving and so nurturing and then just flip on a dime and I would be beaten and wasn't really understanding what I had done wrong. So I learned early to keep a low profile, stay mom, try to be perfect, try not to make waves. And I was just biting time until I could get out. And my dream was New York City. I used to watch Barbara Walters, the famous interviewer, celebrity interviewer, and she was also a television host and newscaster for a long time. Used to watch her in my basement, on my beanbag, on my belly, and I was like, I'm going to go to New York City and I'm going to be like Barbara Walters. [00:04:14] Speaker B: That's excellent. So I can understand that sort of perspective of being in a combative sort of childhood. I grew up in an alcoholic home. So when you're in that and you're actually embedded in it, you don't understand what is causing it, which is really bizarre. I didn't know that it was the drinking. To me, I just thought because when you're a kid, it's like maybe they're just drinking water. I don't know. But then all the behavior happens and then you somehow feel I mean, I know I felt guilty for it because I was like, maybe I caused something to cause all this to happen. And after a while, as I grew up and actually grew to understand what was happening, I didn't know that this was them working out their trauma on each other. I realized it was just them behaving in bizarre ways, and it was awful, but I grew through it. And like you, you actually came towards an understanding of it being trauma. And people basically self medicating to survive that trauma of their own patterning. And you found a way to probably turn away from that life patterning yourself. So that worked out for you to become to actually write a book, which is The Toxic Family transforming Childhood Trauma into Adult Freedom. Can you explain with that the methods that you offer in transforming your childhood trauma and how it personally helped you? [00:05:49] Speaker A: It was a long journey until I got to that book. I had to go through my own experiences. Similar traumas that I saw demonstrated in my home were coming up like little yellow flags in my own trajectory. But, I mean, first things first. You have to really come to terms and understand where you came from. When I saw the behavior play itself out again, that's really when I got the understanding to the core of my being. I had some stuff to look at, and as a result of me looking at it, I could understand the storyline. And I think talk therapy is helpful in understanding that storyline. But I think really, for me, I'll speak to myself personally. To transform the trauma CJ, I had to work more. Somatically meaning going into my body and exploring the trauma pockets, the color, the texture, the sensation. Is it current? Is it past? Is it ancient? Because what I've discovered for myself is this is carried through the ancestry. It's carried through the bloodlines. It was hurt and damaged children, raising hurt and damaged children. And then I was carrying that bag of shame. It was assigned very early on. It was very specific, and I was carrying it unnecessarily. I remember seeing the mission for the first time, and Robert De Niro was carrying this immense sack, like through the jungles and up this. And the people accompanying him are begging him to drop it and let it go. And he won't. He is carrying this. And that's what I was doing with my own traumas. I was carrying them, and I was projecting it outward, and I was the victim, and I was the martyr until I could see it with new perspective, step aside and really take a dive in. [00:08:13] Speaker B: So what did you use to see? You used talk therapy only. Is that the main process that helped you to identify that? [00:08:20] Speaker A: I used talk therapy until it led me full circle to where I had started and I came to the realization that I really had not shifted on a profound level internally. So more somatic modalities, meditation, music therapy, hypnosis, those types of modalities, EFT, EMDR, all those types of modalities where it was more body centric yes. Is where I profoundly shifted on a cellular level. And that's where change really. [00:09:06] Speaker B: Right. Okay. So of that was born your book. And before you got to book, though, you actually did end up going into New York City and having some life experiences that actually expanded your worldview of yourself and how you related to the world. Can you talk about those fascinating experiences in New York City, working with celebrity talent and producing for television and film and how that actually influenced your approach to healing and personal growth? [00:09:36] Speaker A: Wow. Well, I love the way that you tie those two together because there is absolutely a tie. I mentioned Barbara Walters was an idol. I was working for ICM. I had done a college internship and at 19 was living in Greenwich Village and was encouraged to go back to that arts management firm after college. But I wanted something more glitzy, more mainstream, not as artsy. So, yeah, worked my way to ICM, which is a large global talent agency, and was doing well, but wasn't earning enough, and began personal training on the side. And Barbara Walters became my client. And one morning at 07:00 A.m., I rang her doorbell. Yeah, I'm a manifesto. CJ, that's excellent. I rang Barbara's doorbell for our session, and she took one look at me and she said, susan, get in here. What's going on with you? And she got it out of me within moments, which was unusual because I was so tight lipped then. My boss had sexually harassed me in the workplace the day before, and it kicked up complex post traumatic stress within me. And she said, I'm coming to work with you this morning. We're going to confront this gentleman. I said, you know, Barbara, that's I think I think I got think, you know, it'll be okay. I did confront my boss that day. He promptly fired me. Barbara offered me an assistantship with her then fiance who was running a film distribution. I said, you know, I just can't be in an assistant anymore after what I've experienced, I can't be in that role. So with about, I don't know, two months and change of cash in the bank, I was newly sober, because I came to the understanding I had the same addiction that my father had with alcohol. Newly sober, just extricated myself from an abusive relationship where the gentleman held the purse strings. I'm embarrassed to say, but that was the truth. I decided I'm going to launch my own talent brokerage firm, and I wanted it to work. And Donnie Deutsche, who's an entrepreneur and he's an iconic TV host, was running his dad's ad agency at the time. And he said, I've got this Pontiac dealership, and I really want Andy Warhol to do a TV spot for them. You think you can get them? I'm like, well, let me. So I couldn't get anybody CJ to pick up the phone at the factory. So I took the subway down there, and I knocked on the door, and Fred, Andy's manager, answered the door and looked at me through his horn rim spectacles askew and listened to why I was there. And he, hmm, okay, come back tomorrow, and I'll let you see Andy. So I went back the next day, and I'm waiting in the foyer, sweating bullets, and all of a sudden, double doors open, and it is dark in that room. And Fred said, Andy will see you now. So I bravely made my way into this darkened studio, and in the center of the room was a pin spotlight coming down on this platinum hair going 17 different directions. And there he was, like, scribbling with all these colored pencils and these three pugs. You know, those little dogs with the smooshed faces. They were running around the studio and tugging at his pants legs. So I start to go into my spiel about this spot, and he could care less about me. He doesn't make eye contact. It's like cold shut down. I'm sweating. I'm thinking, what am I going to do? I'm just watching him with his dogs, and he's cuddling them and holding them. And finally he stops, and he looks me in the eye for the first time, and he said, now, really, why should I do this? And I just paused, and I said, Because you can have the pugs in the shot with you. [00:13:40] Speaker B: Excellent. So you nailed him right on in one of his beautiful, warm points of life, which is his dogs. [00:13:47] Speaker A: Yeah. And there's the plus of my upbringing, because I would have to read my parents to sort of stay safe, figure out their moods, their modality, and what was coming next. So it really came into play. But that deal really sealed my ability to match celebrities to brands, and then that led to doing the same for television. Roger Ailes was one of the first clients. He had a new network. He was running CNBC, and he also had a talk network. And he wanted celebrities on his talk network. And believe me, they weren't flocking. So I took a cameraman one night to some red carpet event, stuck the microphone in every celebrity's face that walked the carpet, asked them about the event, all into it, and then had them look to camera and do a promo for the network. Before that was like standard, right? And so there were celebrities all over Rogers network. And I went into work one day and the head of promos who I worked for said, Gold, get in here. And I thought, oh, gosh, what did I do now? And he's like, Mr. Ailes needs to see you in his office. I, you know, trumped up the flight to Roger's office and his know, ushered me in and the door shut and I got nervous. But he was pleasant enough and complimented me on my ability and then said, name the show you want to produce. So that's how I started producing for television. [00:15:19] Speaker B: Brilliant. Brilliant. And how long was that part of your career? [00:15:23] Speaker A: Oh, I did that for well over a decade until the reality thing just got too much to handle. We launched Fox News Channel. The Talk Network went down, and Roger invited me to help launch Fox News Channel, which I did. And then about ten months later, I got a great invitation to Los Angeles for what I thought was a great career move. And I knew that New York wasn't going to be much longer. I became a caricature of self. I had a lot of recovery in New York. I mean, I believe I went there to get clean and to start a path of self realization, but I found myself becoming a caricature of self. And I had a cabin in the Catskills about 2 hours outside the city. And I would go up on Friday night and I wouldn't come back until the last moment Monday morning. So I knew it was kind of feeling like it was time to make a change. And so a friend was running a show in La. And she said, I really need your help. You need to come out here. So I said yes. But really it wasn't a career move. It was to meet one of my greatest gurus as it pertains to a teacher, and that would be the man that would become my ex husband. [00:16:51] Speaker B: Right, so when you met your ex husband, what happened? I mean, obviously sparks flew. And how did these experiences empower you and contribute to your journey of transformation at the same time? [00:17:07] Speaker A: So all I wanted was a happy marriage, and I was addicted since second grade and Billy Fritz on the playground to some kind of attention know, males. And I was still in that circumstance. And this was after gobs of work and all sorts of therapies and meditation retreats and I was an endurance athlete with that kind of surly focus. But here I finally met the man of my dreams and he was sparkly and he was shiny and wow. I mean, just thinking back on it now, it seemed like kismet it seemed perfect. But soon after, I started to feel exhausted within the relationship. And when we chose to marry and have a family, it was more exacerbated. I felt like my life was so much smaller, and I felt sort of caged in, but I didn't want to speak up. I was playing like a Cinderella role, and I was carrying the bulk of the weight in the relationship. And then it really became obvious when I bought a home for our family. And somehow I Googled the word narcissist, and I went on this whole exploration of Narcissism, and I realized, oh, my goodness, maybe that's what I'm facing here in this partnership, in this marriage. And I came to terms with it, but I didn't want to do anything about it. Even though I knew the expiration date was well past on the marriage, that facing of codependency was so difficult. There was something, some kind of tie that was so strong, and my friends didn't understand it. They're like, you're so accomplished, you're so successful, why are you in this dynamic? So finally, I got the genius idea to try to make him accountable. And we went to mediation and got to the last point, and I thought, wow, our marriage is saved. This is going to work. And his eyes went in those cold slits, and he folded his arms and he said, I'm hiring an attorney and I'm filing for a divorce. And that voice of intuition came so loud and clear over my right shoulder and through my heart, and it said, this is the universe doing for you what you cannot do for yourself. And I needed to hold on to that. Because it was a year, he took up residence in the Master, and I, by choice, took a mattress across our home into a partial conversion in the garage. And I stayed there for a year. I created a monastery, and I went deeply inward, doing the work that needed to be done to face Narcissistic abuse head on. And it was strongly recommended that I hold no contact, meaning no verbal contact and no eye contact. And I did this for a calendar year, and I used that little intuitive voice to get me through this experience, which was horrendous, but it was perfect. Storm I'd been a longtime meditator. I knew how to hold focus. I knew how to hold silence. I had been an endurance athlete. I knew tenacity. And everything I learned in my childhood home came into play. And all the talent negotiating and all the deals I produced and all the shows I pulled together, it all came into play. So it felt like this was the life lesson that I needed to walk through. And ultimately, at the end of that calendar year, I could write him the six figure check. And he went on to his next source of supply, and I call him my guru CJ, because I couldn't learn my power, and I couldn't learn authentic self love any other way. That's the billboard it took to fall on my head, to really wake up and really change. [00:21:55] Speaker B: Wow, sounds like a trial by fire. But you were ready to embrace it. That's very intense. Okay, so I'm glad that you got through that and you did embrace your change so faithfully, and it's changed your life in really good ways. So let's just shift gears for a moment. Let's talk about your athletic achievements as an endurance athlete. How has participating in marathons and triathlons, including finishing third in your age group at the Escape from Alcatraz event, played a role in building your resilience and overcoming? [00:22:30] Speaker A: Initially, it was a positive journey. We had all been athletic and really pushed hard as youngsters, but I was more into dance. And towards the end of college, I started running and marathoning, and I loved it. New York Road Runners Club was Know blooming, and so I did the New York Marathon and was very happy for the experience, but I was gaining too many injuries, so I thought, oh, it's just from too much of one type of sport activity. If I spread it out over three sports, I'm sure it will be better. Here. I was swim, bike, run three sessions a week, and I actually was channeling some low self esteem and low value to receive accolades from the outside in rather than inside out. And I did do very well. Ultimately, I shifted from triathlonning to master swimming, and within four years, though I wasn't a swimmer, had a national ranking. I just would go after everything with that bludgeoning full force, as if it were life or death. And another lesson was foisted upon me. I went from all of that to not being able to walk my dog around the block. So another false persona had to fall, and I've spent a lot of time recovering. I'm just at the point now where I can hike, I can walk, I can go mountain biking, and I'm grateful because now when I do exercise, it's from a place of love and joy. I can't tell you how many times I walked out on deck at the Rose Bowl when it was 38 degrees and 76 in the pool. I'd be chattering, I'd be purple, but I'd push on. So glad I don't have the need to do that anymore. I can actually listen to my body and how my body is feeling and do what feels good and what's nurturing. [00:24:43] Speaker B: Right. What do you think was driving that? [00:24:48] Speaker A: I got the message very early on that I was not worthy. I got a false message. Yeah, I was not worthy. I did not measure up. And my father was brutalized in that department. His father didn't really want kids. He was the big kid and his mother overcompensated. So, yeah, it was that. It was fight for the scraps of attention and get the accolades and the love, and it was also a way to numb the pain, the residual pain that was still here. And again, this was after so much self examination, but that was a major piece of it. And it was very hard to watch that fall, very hard. But it was necessary. And I'm really grateful that CJ now I see this earthly walk as one big school know, sometimes it's a nasty schoolroom, and I wished I'd read the fine print before I came in. But seeing it as a schoolroom and seeing it as a movie, I mean, it's been a very interesting movie. And to see the players in the movie play their roles and to see this all as opportunities for soul evolution, I definitely feel like I played out my fair. I've stepped up. [00:26:21] Speaker B: And stepping up is a good choice. I mean, it's what we all get to do eventually, and even if we don't consciously do so, the universe does choose it for us. So that's a good thing. [00:26:33] Speaker A: Yeah. Can you share with me an example that you've had? That experience, voiced it upon you? [00:26:38] Speaker B: God, okay, so I'm in a relationship, and yes, it was a narcissistic relationship as well, but I didn't notice it at the time. You know, when you're in a relationship and then you're so in it, you're embedded, but you're still blind to what's happening around you and to you. So I was in this relationship for about two and a half years. It was really intense at times. At the start it was beautiful, but then as things moved on, it became ultra challenging. And she was seeing therapy and it didn't seem to be changing anything. It didn't matter what I do. I was always wrong and it didn't matter what anything. Basically every part of my life was not right for her, and I was to try and solve it. So I was being pushed and pushed and pushed all the time. And eventually she said, look, maybe seeing my therapist would help. And I said, okay, I'm open to that. We'll see what happens. And I saw her therapist, and her therapist said to me, she said, look, to be honest, you can't fix her. And I said, what do you mean? She goes, she's got to go through this process and you're trying to solve it, you can't solve it. She said, you should think about doing something else. I was like, oh my God, I've never heard anyone say anything like that before. And I was sort of troubled by that because I was like, But I'm here to help. Like the savior sort of complex. And I kept on with that trying for a little bit longer, and then I got to a point where I was basically depressed from trying to help and not getting anywhere, and I was considering all sorts of awful things to myself to try and get out, but I didn't know what else to do. And I am an avid meditator as well, which does help with resilience, but it doesn't solve everything. And just one time, I sat down to meditate and I said to the universe, I said, just tell me what I've got to do, because I have no idea how to fix this, how to change it. I went into a nice, open deep space, and it sounded like somebody turned on a microphone and said very clearly, just leave. And then that was it. And I came out of the meditation, went, oh, my God. That was really clear. Okay, just leave. All right, I've got to think about leaving. And within ten days, I made the change. I was like, this is the only way to solve this. I have to actually just end this relationship. It's not healthy for me, and it's not healthy for her. And all I'm doing is reinforcing her problems by empowering that story that she's living. So, yeah, I moved on, and from there, my life turned right around, but it was, like, probably one of the worst experiences of relationship in my life. But I did learn a lot from it. I'm thankful for what I learned from it. And we had some really interesting and unusually experiences together as a couple, and I did enjoy aspects of it, but, yeah, being in a narcissistic relationship is awful, especially, you don't even know what it is. It's nothing you can solve. [00:29:55] Speaker A: Yeah. And then for me, I could draw the line straight back and see all the narcissistic relationships, both personal and professional, that I had walked through and made excuses for and held and nurtured. And so I feel like, yeah, this was one of the biggest lessons I needed to really stand up to and walk towards. [00:30:23] Speaker B: It's like, we make an agreement with those situations to be able to yeah. [00:30:30] Speaker A: Yeah, I really believe that. I used to think that was just Southern California hooey, but no, I think it's true. And it certainly gives me the container to be more compassionate, definitely for the traumatic experiences that I've had and also those that I feel may have been part of foisting them my way. [00:30:54] Speaker B: Yeah, look, it gives me more compassion for the other people as well, in different ways. And I've learned from that that a lot of behavior which is automatic and reactionary is often coming straight from trauma, and it's to manage trauma or manage their way through trauma. It might not be their own personal, exact trauma. It could be even ancestral trauma, which has got a hook in them. And yeah, it's good to actually realize that when some people are being jerky that it's not necessarily that they're evil. [00:31:29] Speaker A: Yeah, totally. [00:31:32] Speaker B: So let's delve into your efforts to help others through retreats and webinars workshops and private sessions. How have these initiates allowed individuals to drop sorry? How have these initiatives allowed individuals to drop outdated storylines and programming which enables them to live authentically and find freedom from their own traumas. Can you talk about that? [00:31:55] Speaker A: Well, I wanted to share the experience that an experience says and the wisdom that I've garnered along the way. And I was so in the dark, I did not understand and if I didn't have light shining so now I'm trying to do the same for others. So mostly it's just a connection, a human connection, and verifying and validating storylines, experiences, history, lines within the family system. And then there's all the intuition and my abilities as an Empath that play into that. I have that spidey sense, so I pick it up. So I do that with individuals. But where I am going is to work on a wide group level because there are so many in pain that need a place to dissect, and also there are so many in the dark. And I believe that as soon as we awaken and can move forward, it's our privilege to help those that are just going through the process or just becoming awake. So my goal is to focus on more group activities at this point. [00:33:18] Speaker B: Group work. Right, okay. And working in groups, do you find that your techniques work really well with many people? [00:33:29] Speaker A: It depends on where they are in the process and how open they are. My work, it's not for the faint of heart. It's very honest. You really want to step up and face yourself. And I don't mince words. [00:33:49] Speaker B: So you're a bit confrontational. [00:33:53] Speaker A: I call a spade a spade because it's just so painful. I've worked with some people, and when you realize they're comfortable in their spot, they're comfortable and they just need to be heard in their spot. And there's nothing wrong with that if that's the choice. But I'm interested in moving people forward who really want healing because we need other healers, we need other helpers desperately. So, yeah, that's the focus. I don't bat people off the island, CJ. [00:34:30] Speaker B: But it sounds like you're on a mission to wake up people, to actually assist with this. Well, everyone's feeling it. The big change that's coming, the big change that's basically greeting the world now. I mean, people say it's apocalypse, but apocalypse just means true revealing. So as that true revealing is unfolding. So I see that that's what you're doing as a part of your passion for work now. [00:34:56] Speaker A: Yeah, and I'm just very truthful about it. I've been that way really my whole life. I mean, it's why I shut down that intuitive piece of myself so young, because things would come out of my mouth that were completely true, but really not what the crowd wanted to hear. And I did the same thing within the corporate structure. I didn't fit in the corporate structure. I didn't understand it. Why do you need to go two floors up to HR to speak to this person two offices away? When it's a conversation, it's. A simple, understand, never fit in the system. And I believe the system is broken. I believe that it's malformed malaligned and broken and patriarchal and is falling and yeah, we need to step up. It's time. [00:35:50] Speaker B: It's more than definitely, definitely is the right time. So you've been living on both coasts of the united states, and you made the conscious decision to pursue a quieter life in montana. How has this change of environment impacted your healing process and personal growth? [00:36:05] Speaker A: So I was in urban happiness. I loved new york city when I lived there, and I loved La. I didn't think I was going to leave southern California, at least until my son graduated college. And he's in his third year, it'll be his final year. He's getting out a year early. God bless him for working so hard. But again, that intuitive voice came up, CJ. It was like, yeah, that 5G tower went on your neighbor's corner and your dog is acting very funny. The governor's talking about doubling estate tax. Doubling tax. If you sell your home, we don't want to wait for that. The solar panels on your roof, it may not be cost efficient to run those anymore with all the legalities they're going to throw on it. That doesn't feel right. Maybe it's time to seek another place to live. So I went back east. Know I'm from the east originally and loved west Virginia and really wanted to make it work there, but it didn't have that feel, and that's the difference. Now I'm being guided by that intuitive feel. If it doesn't feel right, I don't follow through. Whereas before I was like, you hit this dot, then you go to that dot, then you cross that t, and no, I'm not doing that anymore. Unless it feels good to jump on that next dot and cross that t, I don't do it. So a friend lived in Montana, and I had never been and encouraged me to come. So I said I'll come mid January when it's snowing and ugly, you'd see. [00:38:00] Speaker B: The worst of it, and if you love it, it's perfect. [00:38:03] Speaker A: And that's exactly what happened. It's like lost horizon or brigadoon or just I knew right away, and I didn't want to live in the same city my friend did. But I found a tiny little town that's the number one redneck town in the state of montana, and it's 4 miles from the canadian border. And I am happy to say I am in rural bliss. There's no way to really stay in a tangled up emotional state when the sky is so expansive and nature is so prevalent. There is beauty all around me, and I do feel I'm living heaven on earth most days. [00:38:50] Speaker B: Sounds like bliss. I can understand that. I've lived in forests many times and also many cities, including sydney and brisbane, and I've got to say, the forest win overall. I mean, I've lived in a forest and found that sometimes I couldn't do anything because looking out the window or sitting on the balcony was just as nice as doing anything. At know, you don't sit there with your little black mirror tapping away because you don't have to. You've got this all happening right in front of you. So I completely understand that. Yeah. So you have a passion for supporting also homeless animals and uplifting others. And how do these causes align with your mission of empowering individuals to heal and find their own freedom from trauma? [00:39:33] Speaker A: Yeah, I see the same trauma in homeless pets that I see in myself. [00:39:40] Speaker B: Okay. [00:39:40] Speaker A: And that echoes with some of the people that I attract. And I really feel that these pets are our Earth angels and they're here to help us with our healing as we're here to help them. And so there's a direct tie to my work with homeless animals and healing from trauma. [00:40:08] Speaker B: Okay, so as a proud mother, how has parenthood influenced your personal growth and transformation? And how do you balance your commitment to helping others heal while nurturing your own family? [00:40:20] Speaker A: Yeah, that's a really great question because I've been a single mom for a long while and my son is now off in college. I wanted to be an only child when I grew up, the middle of five children, and I wanted it to be different. I didn't understand why you had all these rules that were constantly changing and why there had to be violence and why there had to be horrendous judgment and punishments. So I did none of that with my son. I really treated my son from the beginning as he was his own individual, with his own journey and his own desires for experience while he's here on this Earth. And I gave him the most stable platform that I could. There were really not many surprises. Even though we went through a tough time, when the family did break up, he actually has happy memories about it because Saturdays were our day and we would find some new activity to do. We did so many things that I didn't even know existed at the time. So he has some happy memories of that period. But even when you give your child everything that you desired, like my parents did with us, it doesn't always work out the way you want it, because guess what? They have their life plan too. So I think the best thing, though, is really to understand that he's on his own journey and to be there to support him as best I'm able. And I was terrified of having a child. I held off very late. I think I was 42 when I got pregnant and 43 when I popped him out naturally. And he's my only son, and I would have missed something very worthwhile had I not chosen the experience. And I have great respect for who he is as an individual. [00:42:29] Speaker B: Yeah, beautiful so let's talk about your book. We're getting close to the end of the podcast, so I thought I'd talk about your book and what people might expect if they read it. [00:42:42] Speaker A: Well, be brave. So the book's title is Toxic Family, and my original title was Magical Illumination transforming Childhood Trauma Into Adult Freedom. Because that's what it is for me. I feel like I've been blessed to uncover all I have about my history and each of my siblings. I have three brothers and a sister. We all have very different trajectory or experiences of growing up in that home. So it was a tough book to publish. It wasn't so tough to write. CJ took about nine months, I was told in 2007 by an Irish, seer, I had a book to write. You can see I promptly shoved that under the closest carpet. And then in 2020, I had back to back intuitives tell me you have a book to write. And the third one said, you have three books to write. And I was like, okay, before this turns into some fluffing library, I better sit down. Really? I sat at the computer for 15 minutes a day, whether I had something to write about or not. That was the old producer chick coming out in me. And I did get a first pass at a manuscript that way. But what really was profound was when a mentor said, why don't you go back, take another pass from little Susie's point of view, that little one that's walked through all of this with you. And that's when the words on the page really connected with me. And that's when I garnered the respect for my walk and my journey. And that's when I really understood. Okay. I've had a glittering career. I've been very fortunate to have the opportunities I've had. But this is my purpose and my mission to get this taboo topic out and in conversation and in book form. So it's my personal and professional story and some exercises in the appendix that have helped me walk through it. [00:44:41] Speaker B: It sounds like you gave a voice to your inner child. Is that how it played out? [00:44:46] Speaker A: Yes, sir. I mean, I was 25 when Alice Miller's book Drama of the Gifted Child was so hot to trot, and I was like, yeah, maybe later I'll pick that up when I've got time. I've got things to do. And it just felt syrupy and sappy to go inward and really love this beautiful heart. And that's also what I learned from my ex husband, how to really embrace this beautiful, muddied, sweet inner child within. [00:45:17] Speaker B: Right. Okay, so where can people find your book and find more out about you? [00:45:25] Speaker A: So the books at all the regular places and Amazon's the easiest, and if you feel connection or have a desire, just connect with me at susangold US. [00:45:35] Speaker B: Excellent. Excellent. Okay, well, I'll provide all that information in the show notes now in conclusion. Do you have any message or advice you'd like to share with individuals that may be facing their own childhood traumas and seeking transformation and empowerment in their lives? [00:45:52] Speaker A: Yeah. CJ. I want to tell them directly that you have worth and you have value and you have purpose, and there's a mission for you here. So just one step at a time and get the help that you need to walk through it. [00:46:14] Speaker B: Absolutely perfect and beautiful message, and everyone should hear that really clearly. Yeah. [00:46:21] Speaker A: What a privilege this has been. You're an incredible host. Oh, really? So genuine. You're so authentic. You come from the heart. I love that you shared your own story because a lot of times, my hosts don't want to become vulnerable themselves, and it's just been a real privilege to spend this time with you and with your listeners. So thank you. [00:46:43] Speaker B: Thank you so much, Susan. I really appreciate you coming on the show and sharing everything that you've shared and all of your vulnerability as well. It's been a beautiful sharing. Thank you. Thank you so much, Susan, for being on the show today. That was totally, totally enlightening in other ways. When you hear other people's stories about their experience of trauma and how they transformed it and transmuted it into a new way of living their lives and the benefits and healing that comes from that, it actually helps, I think, to open up your own experience of vulnerability. I got to hear that again and experience that again by talking to Susan today, and it was really touching to do so. And that last message that she dropped at the end really opened my heart in beautiful ways, and I'm sure that all my listeners have enjoyed that as well. So if you did enjoy, please share the show. And if you have anything you'd like to share on the show yourself, please get in contact with me directly at supernormalized at proton me. Until next week. Bye for now. [00:47:54] Speaker A: You don't need a better demand.