[00:00:00] Speaker A: We ourselves be trustworthy, present parents.
And what that means is, at a very simple level, is we stay regulated and we stay present for when they're ready to open up.
[00:01:04] Speaker B: Welcome to supernormalize, the podcast, where we challenge the conventional break boundaries and normalize the seemingly supernatural. Join me, CJ, as we explore less uncharted realms of existence and unravel the mysteries of life. Experience. My treasured listeners, if you have a life story or healing modality or unique knowledge that you'd love to share, reach out to me at supernormalized. That's supernormalized with a z. Proton, mercury. Let's together embrace acceptance of the supernatural and unusual as what it really is. Completely normal. Welcome to supernormalize. Today we are talking to Marcus Aurelius Higgs, which is an extremely powerful name. Marcus Howes from the Bahamas. He's been a teacher and a life coach, and he works directly with parents and their preteen children to help break down what we discovered in the conversation, we decided to call the ice wall, which can happen. I'm going through that with my daughter right now, and if she's listening, that would be amazing, but I'm almost certain that she's not listening.
And, yeah, it's a really great conversation. He's got a lot of understanding and depth that I think actually translates greatly to even all relationships. I've really enjoyed this conversation, and I'm sure you will, so please enjoy the show.
Welcome to supernormalize, Marcus Aurelius Higgs. Marcus, you like the idea that I had presented on my profile on a, and on a matching service for guests, and you said that we are embracing 40 times. What does that mean to you? And welcome to the show.
[00:02:55] Speaker A: Oh, wow. We just straight into it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It means that times are changing. However, while I'm saying times are changing, change is the only constant, actually. Right?
[00:03:11] Speaker B: Absolutely.
[00:03:12] Speaker A: However we're coming into, I think we're constantly coming into a new age of awareness.
I think that our best days are ahead of us, and we're spiraling up into it. Now, these might just sound like a whole bunch of catchphrases, but this is actually what I believe sincerely in, that with the advent of AI, with its speeding up awareness, it's not adding new information. Rather, it's always been there. But because it's happening so quickly, we're starting to realize what we are.
And in realizing who we are and what we are, we have so far to go. We are the universe experiencing itself. And in the expansion of it. Are we being pulled by the edges or being pushed out from the middle? And the answer is yes.
[00:04:06] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:04:08] Speaker A: Yeah. The answer is yes. That's what it means to me.
[00:04:13] Speaker B: Okay. How did you adopt that concept of 40 and times in your role as a life coach? I mean, what aspects of this concept resonate with your approach to supporting individuals doing transformative periods in their lives?
[00:04:28] Speaker A: Just so that we have the same working term, might I ask what it means to you?
[00:04:33] Speaker B: 14 times. Okay, so time of an embracing of reality as magic.
[00:04:40] Speaker A: Yes.
Just to make sure we have the same working definition.
[00:04:48] Speaker B: Sure.
[00:04:49] Speaker A: You know, if we look at the technology that we have now, 100 years ago, it would have been thought of as magic. Right?
[00:04:55] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:04:56] Speaker A: And this. This comes from Thor, actually, Marvel movie. But in saying that, yeah, the technology of the current age could look like magic. And I think there is an aspect that we're going to tap into as we tap into our humanity of something that does look otherworldly, a connection between us that we've yet to actually measure, which is why it's not science yet, but it is magic, you know?
Now, how does it tap into what I do? I am a communication coach for parents of preteens, and I think what we're looking at bit by bit, as so below, so above is just the revelation of what consciousness is, and we just do it at different levels. And I could explain that.
I know we have 30 minutes or more, but I'll give you this one little bit. Our true nature is revealed through resistance.
Right?
[00:06:04] Speaker B: Okay.
[00:06:06] Speaker A: And I mean that at a quantum level. And I mean that at a narrative level. I mean that at every time I see this pattern again and again and again, that our true essence. That's where we get the etymology. The word essence, meaning is or being, is revealed as it goes through resistance.
You want to pull that thread?
[00:06:32] Speaker B: Yeah, go on.
Let's go deeper.
[00:06:38] Speaker A: Yeah. So my name is Higgs. My last name is Higgs, and Higgs boson, if you're familiar with the boson theory, that the field.
Very, very concise, or put it in the short term, everything's moving at the speed of light, but when it goes through the Higgs field, it goes through resistance, and it takes on certain properties. Light takes on certain properties, which is how mass is created.
Mass is expressed as it goes through the Higgs field. That mass arrangement creates the quarks, which creates the atoms, which creates matter, and how we see it and how we experience it. That's what I meant. At a quantum level. Right. It has to go through some resistance for its true nature to be seen.
I believe the hero's journey, because we, when I also wrote to you about Rupert Steiner, is that we come to a threshold where we're challenged in life. And life asks us, who are you? And the way it asks us, who are you? Is by testing our identity. And we have to answer.
The Higgs journey goes. The Higgs journey. The hero's journey goes again and again and again, and it goes through these three thresholds. The first one is oftentimes in a lifetime. It says, I am not a child. And that's when you come into collective, collective identity, and you start identifying with some people. But life asks you, says, who are you? And you say, I am not these people. And we don't define ourselves by what we're not, but we define ourselves by what we are. And life says, I didn't ask you that. I asked, who are you? And then you finally say, I am. And then you reveal your true identity. So it's always at a moment of resistance where we have to decide. We have to figure out, who are you? And that's how we show our true selves.
That's what I see at a small level, and that's what development is for me.
[00:08:36] Speaker B: Wonderful.
[00:08:36] Speaker A: I said a lot.
[00:08:38] Speaker B: No, no, it all makes sense. It all makes sense.
I got a question there.
What is consciousness to you, then?
[00:08:47] Speaker A: Awareness.
I do believe.
Wow.
In as much as I understand it, I practice non dualism. And that is to say, there's the collective understanding and awareness of this. Awareness is what is at the core of all of this.
And when I say awareness, there's a seemingly separation between me and you, which is like our localized awareness. But then it all goes back to a larger awareness, which says it's the fullness of all this.
[00:09:26] Speaker B: Hmm.
[00:09:32] Speaker A: I believe that it's a field of possibilities that we're constantly growing into.
Like when you think that electricity was here, AI was all here. It's just we didn't arrange the atoms or elements or vibrations until a certain way, which it started to emerge. So I feel like there's a.
It's a fullness. That's the best I could describe it. And then we, in our localized state, direct it here or there, but even a layer above that. It is a knowing of all these things. It is a knowing of the fullness of it.
I'm not going to answer this question in these five minutes here, as we've been asked this for eternity, but I feel satisfied with that.
[00:10:19] Speaker B: Okay. Okay. It sounds like a striving towards unity, culture, consciousness. In your work.
[00:10:25] Speaker A: I hear you say a striving towards unity, consciousness or maybe a recognition.
Yeah. Because I think the fullness is always continually with us. It's us bringing our awareness to it. And I say us bring our awareness to it. I believe when we go to sleep, that's where we return to.
When we take plant based medicines, there's that veil removed and that's what we return to, you know?
[00:10:49] Speaker B: Yeah, I've experienced that myself.
How do you integrate the profound principles of Rudolf Steiner into your coaching methodology and effectively guide parents towards a significant shift in consciousness and identity that occur during preteen years?
[00:11:08] Speaker A: That's loaded. Yeah. I'll tell you this much. I usually don't bring up the principles unless they. Unless I know your audience. So while I may practice them, I won't necessarily bring up Rudolph Steiner in my coaching sessions with them. And it is, do I do so consciously?
[00:11:30] Speaker B: Yeah.
Do you do that sort of unconsciously when you work because you're influenced by her work? His work, I should say.
[00:11:38] Speaker A: His work, yeah.
You know what?
Just a little bit of background about me.
I'm a third culture kid. My mom's from the Philippines, my dad's from the Bahamas. I was born in California, but I worked in South Korea.
I worked in Saudi Arabia, and I worked in Thailand.
[00:12:00] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:12:00] Speaker A: So. And I grew up sincerely christian. And I went. I served as a christian missionary, changed my worldviews.
I learned about Islam as a world religion, learned about Buddhism and so on, being intrigued by people's understanding of the divine and greater powers and higher forces. And I mention all of that to say I'm an eclectic mix of a lot of ideas, and all of that influences what I bring to the table when I'm doing my. And I think actually that is my strong point in that I've had. I served as an english teacher in all those settings.
And in serving as an english teacher, I sat and I listened to people in their understanding of the world, and I'm able to meet people where they are in their reality. And Rupert Steiner, a lot of his work is speaking of other worlds, the occult and things on the other side of the veil, if you will. And I've had deep conversations with people who actually believe that stuff, but as it influences my life and my teaching, he spoke of going through resistance. I mean, he started the Warguff school, right. In that form of education where you believe things are emergent and you make space for them to come into it and be willing and ready to receive what comes forth. So it does influence it, if not directly.
There's always a little bit in there. Yeah, okay.
[00:13:31] Speaker B: Of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So I'll go through. I'll go through some other questions here. So basically, you work with parents and preteens to actually help reconnect them so they actually have a better experience of each other in their lives. Is that correct?
[00:13:48] Speaker A: I help with the communication so that they can understand what's happening at this stage and make sense of it. And I work specifically with the parent.
I used to be a high school english language arts teacher and middle school, but I decided to come out of the classroom and amplify my services.
[00:14:12] Speaker B: How can parents maintain open communication with their teenagers during the phase when they tend to pull back and desire more independence?
[00:14:24] Speaker A: All right. Yeah.
Before we get to the solution, I think it's worth understanding the.
There's no meaning without context. So understanding the problem of how we get there, of how communication breaks down. Yeah, maybe that.
And I call it ice.
So this is the first identity breaking of the teenager in human development. This is our first identity breaking. When we come into the world as a kid, we're nurtured by our mother. Maternal energy pulls you close, says, I love you, you're secure. I'll take care of you. Paternal energy pushes you away, and it says, I love you, you're secure, and I'm supporting you from afar. And that tension creates a holistic person.
But that's not the final stage. The final stage is interdependence. I will take care of me to be in service to you if you take care of you to be in service of me. But at a teenager, the adolescents, they're coming into this understanding of who am I? What's this new role? What's going on? And they experience three things. They experience ice versus their identity breaking.
The reason these years are so stressful is because when your reality doesn't match your expectations, that's one definition of crazy. You're like, wait, I thought my parents loved me. Why are they pushing me away? It's like, no, because you're supposed to be independent.
You're supposed to be. Suppose is a strong word. It's a natural order of things for you to seek independence at this age. Right? And some parents can't manage that. And they're like, why is my teen pulling away? They take it personal. They think that it's permanent, and they think that it's in all things, but it's like, no, no, no, don't take it personal.
So the teen is breaking away. The c is collaborative mistrust. Teens don't know who to trust at that age.
They're opened up to new understandings of the world after their parents have been the gospel black and white. And it's just like, wait, you're not telling me everything that's true.
And they don't know what nuance is. Nuance comes a little bit later at 18 or 21 or so on. But right now, skepticism is creeping in and they're just like, no, no, this is a lie. And they seek other forms of truth.
So ideally, you're in a community where there are other trustworthy present adults.
Oftentimes they turn to peers or they could turn to other teachers, mentors or family members. And the third thing is emotional management.
They don't. This is a first time to the rodeo, right? Or this is their first time. Experience and big emotions, let's say. And what I mean by big emotions, it's.
Emotions have several different functions. They tell us about our well being. They also help us set in motion towards our goals and our desires. They don't have any goals and desires, and they don't feel well because they feel like the world is against them or lying to them and they're trying to figure it out.
That's where the communication breaks down.
How do we build back the communication? I have a whole framework for that. But before going deep into that, the high level is we ourselves be trustworthy, present parents.
And what that means is, at a very simple level, is we stay regulated and we stay present for when they're ready to open up.
Trust is built over time. And what you're doing at this stage is you're maintaining trust because on the back end of this, there's a different dynamic of the relationship. There's an understanding of, oh, I know I can trust this character to be that person. And that person is working for my well being.
The three characteristics of trust are, one, you think it's telling the truth. All growth starts from a place of truth. It's just that teenagers, you know, they. They're still trying to suss out what is the truth.
The second thing is trust.
It makes sense. Like, you can logically follow its thinking. And the third thing is, you know, it's working for your well being.
You know that it actually cares for you. If you look back at that, that's ethos, pathos, and logos. But that's how you trust things like. And the thing is you trust things because of the characteristics of what they are over time, like the sun, you know, the sun is coming up and it's regulated.
And when something is regulated, you're like, it's going to do what it's got to do. And I either get in line or I figure out what I got to do. I got to regulate myself.
And then we throw on the whole tactics, strategies, and so on. But that's the high level, like, how you build communication.
[00:19:18] Speaker B: Very cool, very cool. So why do teenagers tend to pull back and desire more independence? I mean, it's a part of life growth and giving themselves a greater sense of self identity.
But why does that seem to happen nowadays so strongly?
[00:19:37] Speaker A: I would say it's always happened. And you are actually, I feel, in looking at the data and looking at the research and so on, it's happening more strongly because, okay, first I'll answer the first question, and then I'll answer the second one. But the first one is, why do they do it? It's a natural order of things. We don't like to be oppressed or controlled. And when you think that a parent is constantly telling a person, hey, this is what reality is. This is what it is.
A person's gonna. A developing person is gonna say, no, let me explore this for myself.
And I have to come into an understanding myself.
And then that's where the tension is created. And nothing's wrong with the tension now, but it's. How do we manage that tension?
So it's always happened. This is what human development is.
Now, to your point of why is it happening so intensely?
On the count of three, let's all blame social media.
But the speeding up, and this is what I said, speeding up of knowledge, of information, brings kids into an understanding quicker than it used to. The other day, I was speaking with my ten year old nephew, and he's telling me about the conflict in Gaza, and he was telling me about the nuances of it, and I'm like, where'd you get this? And he's just like, yeah, on TikTok and Instagram. I'm like, dude, like, go out and play here or something. But, yeah, it's a different dynamic. Their access to more information. Yeah. At an earlier age, I believe, is contributing to it.
[00:21:08] Speaker B: Yeah, I recall when I was going through that sort of disconnecting from my parents as a teenager, and we didn't even have Internet, so it was hard to really get connected, but, you know, into different sort of wavelength of life. But I still got there. But I can't imagine what it would have been like if I had this level of information input from the world that they have now.
[00:21:40] Speaker A: Well, you know what? It's a blessing and a curse. I always say life is and then we give it meaning, or life happens when we give it meaning. Because I think we can leverage technology to.
To implant and amplify an empowering story.
I think we can leverage it for our benefit. And I think we're on the cusp of that, of this fruity, of this magical time that's actually going to be ushered in.
Of course, the only certainty is change, but, man, we're going to notice some awesome things in the next few years.
[00:22:18] Speaker B: Definitely. Definitely.
How can parents foster resilience and self esteem in their pre teens as they navigate the challenges of growing. Growing up in self discovery.
[00:22:30] Speaker A: I heard the first part. How can they foster resilience and self.
[00:22:35] Speaker B: Esteem as they navigate? The challenges of growing up and self.
[00:22:39] Speaker A: Discovery as they navigate. Navigate is the word. Yeah, yeah.
And that's what I was speaking about, how we can use it, how we can use technology to amplify an empowering story. Now, the work that I do is based on virtues and values.
Have you heard of via virtues in action?
[00:23:04] Speaker B: No.
[00:23:06] Speaker A: Okay, so it's an idea from positive psychology that there are 24 virtues in all humans, ancient cultures, all religions, all cultures. And these 24 values are things such as creativity, gratitude, leadership, and so on. For me, these are the things that bring us together as humans. Right?
The virtue traits. And all of those are with everybody. Five of them are expressed more. And that's what creates you uniquely, you.
Values are what we deem important.
So if you have family values or if you value autonomy, if you value, I don't know, creativity, everybody has different values, which is how we all find our unique self with our virtues and values.
If you establish this at a young age and you give them spaces and places to creatively express and take risks, teenage years or adolescents is filled with taking risk.
How do you have them take healthy risk and you have those conversations with them, that's how you start to foster fortitude and strength.
Now, specifically, resilience.
I love words. And resilience means re sultar, which means to jump. Again. From the latin, it means your bounce back.
The way you let a person understand their bounce back is by, first of all, showing them how to bounce back and showing them how they've come back stronger.
You do this by repairing and reconnecting whenever there's a rupture. Now, what do I mean by that? There's this quote by Ernest Hemingway. He says, life breaks us all, and some are made stronger in the broken places.
And this is why I really believe all growth first starts with something breaking.
You let them know it is a feature, not a bug of humanity. That we will be broken. But how do we bounce back? We use our virtues and values to be reconnected again, and we're made stronger in the broken places. When you teach them that, when the stakes are low, they'll remember those lessons as they grow older.
That's how you teach resilience to kids. It's just like, oh, yeah, you fell down. Would you learn? Let's get back at it. And instead of preaching it to them, you have to live it yourself. And that's, again, you being regulated, you being an integrity with yourself.
[00:25:56] Speaker B: What strategies can parents use to gain insights into their teenagers emerging authentic, which they often reserve just for their friends? I know I'm experiencing that myself.
[00:26:07] Speaker A: Just the wall right where it's just.
[00:26:10] Speaker B: Shut down, is like, oh, my goodness, don't even talk. They look at you and scowl almost like.
[00:26:17] Speaker A: Oh, man. And even before you came on, you're telling me about it's not personal, but that I hate you.
[00:26:26] Speaker B: Yeah, the hate you stage.
[00:26:31] Speaker A: You know, when you think about it, right? So I used to teach narrative writing.
[00:26:37] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:26:39] Speaker A: Every protagonist. Protagonist means the one who's moving forward in the story. They face resistance, and that's what the conflict is. But a kid, the real relationship they've had growing up before, this was just you.
So now when they're going through all this resistance, they're. They're going to put it onto something, onto someone.
And the easiest person to peg is you as a parent. I mean, right? Not specifically CJ, but as a parent. So every context is different. But understandably, I get why kids say their parents are the bane of their existence.
You know, there every reason, every context is different. Let me start off with that first, and to come back to the question of what was it again? How can we.
[00:27:45] Speaker B: Okay. How can parents use.
What strategies can parents use to gain insight?
[00:27:50] Speaker A: What strategies gain insights? Yeah, yeah.
[00:27:55] Speaker B: How do we break through the ice wall?
[00:27:57] Speaker A: Yeah.
In the show up framework that I do have, that actually, number three o is open up communication. I'll give you two strategies that come to mind.
The h is hold space for collaboration. So as a kid is going through their problem, you know, oftentimes they think, what's wrong with me?
Their expectations. I'm not meeting those expectations. I must suck. What's wrong with me? And they start getting down on themselves.
Be mindful of the voice with which you speak to teens for a time that becomes a voice with which they speak to themselves.
That's even before this, but then when they're actually caught up in it. And you know what? Let me not shame, blame, no shaming or blame complaining towards parents. Society does this. In general, we have automatic negative thoughts, but as we are the closest influence to our kids, yeah, let's be mindful of the voice with which we use to speak to our kids.
But that creates a power struggle here.
In collaborative problem solving, we invite the kid into a conversation, say, hey, look, it seems as though you're having a problem with this. Tell me about it. And this is active listening. You're starting off with active listening. And you know what?
They may not tell you all the truth, but you're inviting them into conversation with no judgment. That's the first step. Second step, you let them know why it's concerning to you. And again, we're speaking towards well being, either individual well being or collective well being. Like, this is why it's important for me, and that's a value thing.
And then you invite them into brainstorming solutions that we both will agree upon.
And it's not that we're going to find 100% solution here, but rather it's an experiment. Hey, let's try something that meets your needs, and it meets my needs, and it lets them understand, hey, you're not the problem. The problem's over here. However, I'm here to co create with you to find the solution.
That's one way you can open up communication. There are a couple other.
Want one more?
[00:30:16] Speaker B: Go for it.
[00:30:19] Speaker A: All right. So it's the idea of sharing your virtues and values without being preachy.
And really what it is, is storytelling. We come into all our beliefs by stories, and then we take action from those beliefs. So what you do is you, um.
All your beliefs actually were formed in a moment, in an epiphany moment. Although something may have been building up, but in that moment, you changed it, and then you expressed something differently. Share with them that understanding in a story. Oftentimes, most, most relevance are the. The stories when you were their age, right? There's no identification without.
There's no persuasion without identification. So as much as your child can see how you were like them at the same age, going something similar, share a story from there. And now it's your story. It's not you preaching to them. You should, you should do. No, it's your story that you own. And then you say, you know what? And this is what I take. This is what I learned from it. This is what I took away from it.
It's you owning your values.
And then you invite them into the conversation. What do you get from that?
And then be open to whatever they say, because they might share something that you don't even know, or they might make it their own. They remix it their own again, you're opening the conversation to them to let them know, hey, I'll listen to you and I'll see what you take away from this.
[00:31:48] Speaker B: Even when I've worked with adult people in regards to breaking the ice, I've actually had that sort of technique used myself. I talk like that and I find that's a good way to open people up so I can see how that.
[00:32:04] Speaker A: Works, if just a really quick touch, if to really remember it. It's ABC.
[00:32:13] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:32:14] Speaker A: This is one third one. I'm a communication coach. Right?
[00:32:18] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:32:18] Speaker A: It's accept somebody's contribution to the conversation doesn't mean you agree with it, but you accept it as a reality. Right. Then you build upon it. It shows that you're showing your understanding and your listening, and they're just like, oh, okay. Yeah, you get me. You get me. And then you challenge with curiosity. That's a question. You don't tell the person you're wrong. You're like, well, I wonder if, or I think. And what you're doing is you never change a person's mind from the outside in. You change it from the inside out. And even when they leave that conversation, that question is still in them for them to think about it. And you're right. It's the same way we speak with adults. This really is the same principles.
[00:33:02] Speaker B: As pre teens start to challenge authority. How can parents establish and enforce rules without creating an adversarial dynamic? I mean, it seems like that's something we fall into quite easily. It's like, you can't behave like that here.
[00:33:19] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah. Oh, man.
This is also a big thing with Rupert Strander, but it's the idea of control, of realizing your autonomy. I was with, so I teach at an international school here, or I substitute there in the Bahamas.
And the kids said, we were talking, we were talking about something. It was 9th graders yesterday, this happened Friday.
And one of the kids said about their homeroom teacher, she controls us.
And I said, she controls you?
I said, yeah. And then we got into the whole conversation about authority, and I said, well, I hold the same role as her. Do I control you? I'm like, no, no, no, it's different.
And I never force an idea on anybody. But I wanted to edge them to the idea of always maintain your autonomy or understand you have some control as a creative. And that's the shift that it gets really icky, because as a parent, you were their manager for a while, if you will. You set the playdates, you told them where to go, and it's all out of safety for their well being, rightfully so. But this is where you start to let go of the or loosen the reins to say, hey, you have some autonomy, and I want you to step into this role as a creator yourself.
Now to the question, how do we do it without a power struggle? First of all, rules and regulations do just that. They create.
They create constraints by which we might grow better.
So when we have mutual rules that we both agree upon, if you constantly just say, no, no, no, don't do this, teens push back. They think it's arbitrary.
They think, yeah, you're just here to stifle me. And again, that's when you come back to, say, giving your reason, giving your expectations, one hard pill that wisdom teaches you, and I see you have a bit more wisdom than I do.
Is that. Is that oftentimes or. This is my belief, it's never the person, it's how you respond to the person.
So whenever you start getting into a yelling match, a screaming match, it's like, what am I not willing to accept? What is it that I'm bringing to this? Or what is it that I can own that is causing me to be, that is causing me to elevate at the moment? And do I need to step back?
And when I say step back, nothing gets solved. When the snow globe is shaken, let it settle. Hey, even say, let's come back to this.
If we elevate it, if we escalate to that, it happens. It happens. But the final thing I will say is, if and when you do escalate to two hurtful things being said and so on again, repair and reconnect, you will not be a perfect parent. And when you understand that, that's the beauty in that, I think that's the beauty of humanity. We are stress progressive, and that if we respond with repairing and reconnection of, this is what I did wrong, this is not the character I want to be, and this is what I choose to do going forward. It shows the person you care and it helps us to. Okay, let's get back onto common ground and, yeah, let's create some rules and regulations going forward that you can both agree upon.
[00:37:26] Speaker B: Okay, so when proteins are going through a lot of stuff. I mean, it's. It's. It's intense for, you know, for both sides. It's like, you know, the preteen and the adult. And I was going to ask you, how could you actually build, you know, a bridge to trust again?
What's, what's a simple way to build that trust? I mean, you know, you've got the ice wall.
You feel like everything you do is wrong always.
[00:37:59] Speaker A: Oh, man.
Well, you know, after the. After the ice wall. I love that. You know what almost are calling on an ice wall. Yeah, but it was, I just said ice. I just said ice. But an ice wall, you show up, and that's actually what I do.
What I say I do. I mean, but that's what I teach is show up.
Remember, trust has built over time. And that's why I work with pre teens of trying to actually cross this bridge and build those connections before it gets out of hand. Yeah, but it gets out of hand. And if we're there, if we're there, how do we build it back?
There's this wonderful book by a woman named Ellen Galansky. It's called the breakthrough years, speaking about adolescence. And adolescence doesn't have to be this burdensome time.
And what the book does is it interviews preteens and teenagers and families, and it brings teens into the conversation of, hey, what do you want the adults to know?
And now check this out. This problem makes sense to you. One of the things was, I want adults not to stereotype us, to think that all teenagers are like this.
Right?
We want adults to speak with us, not at us.
Another one was, we want.
There were six of them.
The reason I'm mentioning this is because oftentimes teenagers come into a context of you're not enough and you're broken. And they're entering the conversation from that position. They feel in their head. They think adults think this about us. Oh, you know, one was, we call them immature.
Now, CJ, I want you to think about this, right? Do we ever call a child an immature teenager? It's like, no, they're a child.
Do you call a baby an immature toddler?
No, it's a baby. A baby is a baby. A toddler is a toddler. An adolescent is an adolescent. And there's expectations at that level. They're not an immature adult.
I think what I'm saying is people move towards your expectations. So when we enter into the conversation of, I expect this from you, you'll fall short of it sometimes or you may actually exceed them. But these are my expectations for you, and I'm supporting you in this, changes up the whole conversation from, oh, crap, there's this expectation from me, and I have to be perfect, or I have to live up to something that said, trust is built over time. When you show up like this again and again and again, that's how you reinstate it.
I feel I said a lot. Any questions or threats?
[00:41:03] Speaker B: No, no.
That makes a lot of sense to me. And, yeah, I'm just trying to think of ways I can bridge my weight back to my own daughter. She lives with a mother far from me, and we actually had a relationship that was good, where we'd catch up every one month or two months, and we'd spend weekends. And then she decided one day, no, for reasons that made sense to her at the time.
I'll find a way to bridge that gap, and we'll see how we go.
[00:41:38] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:41:40] Speaker B: How can parents differentiate between typical preteen moodiness and potential underlying mental health concerns, such as anxiety or depression?
[00:41:52] Speaker A: Notice. Well, first of all, before I go into any of this, consult a professional. Yeah, I'll say that. Now, to answer your question, at a very high level would be, notice the social interactions. If they're pulling away from you at home or, like, in only one setting, that's probably.
I don't want to say, okay, that's understandable. But if at school, they're self isolating, at other social events, they're isolating. They're always in their room, and they don't have any other friends. Socially, that's a call for concern, because it might be. It might be at home. You know, they're spending all their time in their room locked back there. I don't want to talk to you. But when they go to school, you know, it's all regular. They're. They're interacting with their friends, they're interacting in the class. And it just means, you know, I would also say, don't take it personal.
They may be projecting it, thinking you are the person who it is.
Easier said than done, right? When you're on the receiving end of it. Believe me, I understand that, man.
This is something I tell the people I work with, actually, is also, you always have to understand. And this is why I say, I work with the parents.
Your child may go waywardly by the other stories that enter into their lives from other places. And I think of Marcus Aurelius and his son Commodus.
I think there are other underlying reasons why his son acted the way he did. And for those who don't know. Commodus was an a hole, right? And his father was a father of virtues and values.
But if your child decides to go waywardly, all you're really expected to do is show up as best as you can, making an honest effort that, you know you did your part.
The reason we don't meet expectations oftentimes is it's not anything's wrong with us, but it's two things. We don't have the skills where we don't feel supported.
If you have skills and you have support over a long enough timeline, you'll meet expectations.
And I'm saying that to parents. I'm also saying that for our expectations of kids, they're not meeting expectations, behavioral expectations, because they're not supported in it, or they don't have the communication skills yet.
And I see that in class.
That said, and I'll end with this, and as a wise person, you know this. Some skills we acquire later on.
A lot of what informs my work is the miscommunication my father and I had growing up. But I'm here with him as an aging parent, and I show up for him because of knowledge that I gained as an adult to understand.
Okay. Yeah, no, I get it. I get it.
So, yeah.
[00:45:16] Speaker B: Perfect. So, Marcus, how can people find you in your work?
[00:45:22] Speaker A: Oh, man.
I'm writing a book now. It's called the show up framework, how to nurture your preteens potential, and that will be released in about a month or so.
They can find me
[email protected]. right. It's a landing page on LinkedIn. They can connect with me if they want to reach out to me, that's the easiest place. But if you go to marcussiggs.com, comma, he'll tell you about my work. And if you want to connect with me, I have a workshop coming up. However, I want to refine it in its beta stage before. Actually, you'll find me. I'll post it there when it's more refined.
[00:46:07] Speaker B: Excellent.
[00:46:08] Speaker A: Marcusiggs.com dot.
[00:46:09] Speaker B: Yeah, thanks, Marcus. I'll put that link down the bottom of the show. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom and knowledge and understanding of the parent and child relationship.
[00:46:20] Speaker A: I thank you for your gracious hosting and your calm.
Yeah, you're nice voice. Thank you, CJ.
[00:46:27] Speaker B: Thank you. Thank you very much. All right, I'll just say goodbye to listeners.
Well, that was an interesting conversation, and Marcus has such a great, warm character that brings through his understanding of the relationships between parents and preteens, which is, as he sees it is one of the most delicate times when it comes to a sort of losing of the bonds that happen between parent and child. And I completely understand that myself as I've been through it. And it was a welcome to actually hear his understanding of what's going on and how to look at making better changes. If you've enjoyed today's show, please reach out to Marcus and say hello and say that you enjoyed the show. And if you want to do so, all the links will be downstairs there below the podcast on both on all platforms on YouTube. If you're on YouTube too, like and subscribe, as I always say. And yeah, otherwise go to his website, marcashiggs.com, which will also be in the link too, in the show notes. And if you've enjoyed the show or you know somebody that's that would like to hear this or know somebody that needs to hear this, please share to one friend or family member. That would be very appreciated. If you enjoyed today's show, please like it on your podcast app. If you're on a podcast app, give me five stars and write something nice that helps other people define these conversations. So thank you very much for listening, and until next time, it's bye for now.
